Reinvention.

I haven't blogged in a week. I could blame it on lack of time, distractions from my children, even a shortage of energy resulting from shepherding 19 preschoolers around all day. But that would all be untrue.

I've been struggling with the direction that this blog is going in. My life has changed quite dramatically since I starting blogging here three, almost four years ago. When I began this blog, I was a married stay-at-home mom in the early stages of recovery from a long battle with anorexia and bulimia. My husband was gone frequently, traveling out of state for work. With my children in school all day, I had loads of time to research topics for blog posts. I could roam around thrift stores at leisure. Eventually, I would even write and publish my own book on vintage and thrifting. I could blog about body image, sharing my own struggles as I tentatively tiptoed into recovery. When I felt lonely, or abandoned, or undervalued (which was often), I wrote a post, eventually cultivating a community of friendly, supportive readers who were also thrifters and vintage lovers and appreciated my occasionally wacky sense of personal style.

Flash forward to today. I'm a somewhat recently divorced full time preschool teacher. Because I have joint custody with my ex-husband, I see my children every other week. My previous wardrobe of vintage sequins and silk skirts and distressed jeans has been replaced with clothing that is stain-proof, durable, and sensible - far from the fashionable outfits I used to wear. I'm lucky if I have the time to thrift once a month. Instead of researching and crafting eloquent, engaging blog posts, I use my free time to browse Pinterest for classroom management tips. I'm on an extremely tight budget, leaving little room for shopping aside from groceries and fall clothes for my kids. Most nights I collapse into bed riddled with shame for ending my marriage, stressed about money, missing my children and wondering when I'm finally going to feel my life stabilize.

Don't get me wrong. I'm far, far happier than I was in my marriage. I feel more content, more confident, more energized than I have in years. I have a sense of independence that eluded me most of my life. I know where my money is at all times. I don't have to revolve my life around the needs of my ex-husband. For the first time, I get to do things on my terms.

Which leads me to this blog.

It seems silly to continue on the same path when so much has changed since I started. Doing outfit posts feels trite now, especially since most of my daily wardrobe is decidedly unfashionable. I have overcome my anorexia and bulimia, and am no longer riddled with the poor body image I once had. I don't feel the need to write about the same topics I once did - fashion in specific - because my values have changed so much. These days, I get far more excited about paying off a credit card or hearing one of my students tell me that they love me than this month's issue of Vogue. I still get a thrill from a great thrift score, or getting dressed up for a night out with my boyfriend. But fashion in and of itself doesn't hold the same weight.

I feel a need to do more personal blogging. I want to use this space to write about where my life really is now, as a divorced middle aged woman just starting to hit her stride. While I'll always be interested in personal style, it isn't that important to me anymore. I'd rather feel free to explore this new start as a single woman, as a person mourning the end of her marriage, as a single mom and a teacher and introvert and perpetual cheapskate. Truthfully, after so many years of starving and faking my way through my marriage, I don't wish to put on a facade and pretend to be someone I'm no longer for the sake of my readership here. 


10 comments:

  1. Life changes, we change, it can be hard....sounds like you have grown a lot. I am sure a lot of your followers (and new ones) will be delighted to read your new blog posts. You need to write from your heart. Blessings to you!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your support Linda. I'm so glad you took the time to comment and encourage me to post more from the heart. I'm excited to do so! Blessings back to you as well!

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  2. Maybe you should make a "clean sweep" and change the name of your blog. Or maybe even put this blog on the back burner and begin a new one. You have over 750 followers, so consider your readers and do not abandon us. We are with you in whatever you decide to do! Keep us informed. :) Linda@Wetcreek Blog

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    1. That's a great suggestion. I've been thinking about changing the name of the blog for awhile now...just have to settle on a new name. And don't worry, I'm not going to abandon you. I'm so appreciate that you are here.

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  3. I've been peeking in on you for a couple of years, although rarely if ever commenting, and I was so pleased to see you back. Quite honestly, I'd welcome a change -- I posted this summer about wearying with the phenomenon of What I Wore, particularly among Women of a Certain Age. Visibility is all very well, but we do so many things that are more interesting than getting dressed and being seen. I like the blogs that include our dress/style as part of an overall life, with all of that life's reality (well, perhaps not all, but enough to keep it honest). All of which is to say that I will keep reading here whatever direction you choose -- you're a fine writer and what you've had to say so far has been compelling in its honesty. I suspect there will be more of the same, even better . . .

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    1. I could not agree with you more - there is definitely more to us women of a certain age than how we look and what we wear. Such a great comment. I'm really excited to share more of me here. And I'm really glad you commented, especially after lurking for so long. Thank you so much!

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  4. Write from your heart. We will still be here to read. You have gone through and overcome so much. Enjoy your life!!! I look forward to reading it.

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  5. Thank you for your suportive and kind comment Dawnya. I wasn't expecting to receive so much support for this post, and a part of me was feeling a bit of regret after hitting the publish button. But I feel so much better now. I'm excited to post more from the heart as I continue this journey.

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  6. I started reading blogs for the fashion. I kept reading them because I got to see snippets of lives. I feel more connected to blogs that aren't pristine and polished but that are real and messy and gorgeous and hard. I want to read about real people, doing real things and finding beauty in the struggle that is life. I was so happy when you came back to blogging. You have a lot to say and people who want / need to hear it.

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    1. Danielle, thank you so much for your comment. I've been going back and re-reading some of my recent posts with concern that I've over shared, and fear that no one really gives an iota what I'm blogging about. Your comment means so much to me. I'm going to keep on posting about topics that are hard and real and sincere, because living authentically and sharing truthfully are what is important. I'm truly grateful that you're here.

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