I haven't blogged in a week. I could blame it on lack of time, distractions from my children, even a shortage of energy resulting from shepherding 19 preschoolers around all day. But that would all be untrue.
I've been struggling with the direction that this blog is going in. My life has changed quite dramatically since I starting blogging here three, almost four years ago. When I began this blog, I was a married stay-at-home mom in the early stages of recovery from a long battle with anorexia and bulimia. My husband was gone frequently, traveling out of state for work. With my children in school all day, I had loads of time to research topics for blog posts. I could roam around thrift stores at leisure. Eventually, I would even write and publish my own book on vintage and thrifting. I could blog about body image, sharing my own struggles as I tentatively tiptoed into recovery. When I felt lonely, or abandoned, or undervalued (which was often), I wrote a post, eventually cultivating a community of friendly, supportive readers who were also thrifters and vintage lovers and appreciated my occasionally wacky sense of personal style.
Flash forward to today. I'm a somewhat recently divorced full time preschool teacher. Because I have joint custody with my ex-husband, I see my children every other week. My previous wardrobe of vintage sequins and silk skirts and distressed jeans has been replaced with clothing that is stain-proof, durable, and sensible - far from the fashionable outfits I used to wear. I'm lucky if I have the time to thrift once a month. Instead of researching and crafting eloquent, engaging blog posts, I use my free time to browse Pinterest for classroom management tips. I'm on an extremely tight budget, leaving little room for shopping aside from groceries and fall clothes for my kids. Most nights I collapse into bed riddled with shame for ending my marriage, stressed about money, missing my children and wondering when I'm finally going to feel my life stabilize.
Don't get me wrong. I'm far, far happier than I was in my marriage. I feel more content, more confident, more energized than I have in years. I have a sense of independence that eluded me most of my life. I know where my money is at all times. I don't have to revolve my life around the needs of my ex-husband. For the first time, I get to do things on my terms.
Which leads me to this blog.
It seems silly to continue on the same path when so much has changed since I started. Doing outfit posts feels trite now, especially since most of my daily wardrobe is decidedly unfashionable. I have overcome my anorexia and bulimia, and am no longer riddled with the poor body image I once had. I don't feel the need to write about the same topics I once did - fashion in specific - because my values have changed so much. These days, I get far more excited about paying off a credit card or hearing one of my students tell me that they love me than this month's issue of Vogue. I still get a thrill from a great thrift score, or getting dressed up for a night out with my boyfriend. But fashion in and of itself doesn't hold the same weight.
I feel a need to do more personal blogging. I want to use this space to write about where my life really is now, as a divorced middle aged woman just starting to hit her stride. While I'll always be interested in personal style, it isn't that important to me anymore. I'd rather feel free to explore this new start as a single woman, as a person mourning the end of her marriage, as a single mom and a teacher and introvert and perpetual cheapskate. Truthfully, after so many years of starving and faking my way through my marriage, I don't wish to put on a facade and pretend to be someone I'm no longer for the sake of my readership here.