I've gotten some emails in the past month, wondering where I am and how I've been doing. I came here to let you that I'm okay. Well, not really. My divorce, and that fact that I'm still living with my ex-husband, has been horrific. The tension of sharing a home with a man I desperately want to separate from is killing me. I lie awake at night, worrying, my brain a tangle of anxieties and fears and frightening thoughts. My stomach is in knots.
I open my laptop, go to this blog, and stare at the screen. I just don't know what to say. I feel tremendously lonely.
I hope to be able to blog consistently again, but I just don't know when that will be. Truthfully, I love blogging. I love writing about my outfits and body image and fashion and thrifting and whatever else is running through my brain. But at this point, all I can concentrate is surviving one day to the next. I had no idea what stress was until the events of the past month. I didn't understand how challenging it would be to live with someone who can't stand the sight of you.
I watched my parents go though a divorce. I saw them battle over money, child support, child custody, who got the furniture and dishes and books. I watched their marriage crumble into an ocean of passive aggressiveness, cruelty and vengefulness. They used my brother and I as pawns in their battle against each other. They hired attorneys hell bent on litigation, attorneys which brought out the worst in each other and only fueled their desire to destroy one another. Their divorce carried on for months, and they still can't be in the same room together. It's been 15 years.
When I got married, I swore I wouldn't end up in the same situation. I loved my husband deeply. Divorce just wouldn't happen to us. And yet, here we are.
Thank you to those of you who have sent me emails. I'm sory I haven't responded. I feel incapacitated and would hate to put my struggles on anyone. I am terrible at reaching out for support. Thank you for sticking around. I will be back to blogging at some point, when I'm ready to give you content worth reading.